


"I'll do it if I have to (I'll keep it to myself)"

by shuttymcshutfuck



Series: Fictober 2020 :) [9]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lonely!Martin, Not Beta Read, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:13:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27068446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuttymcshutfuck/pseuds/shuttymcshutfuck
Summary: The problem with being part of the Lonely or even spending some time with an avatar is that everything gets pushed away. All the people you love, the things that brought you joy, the feelings good and bad but what happens when you stop pushing back water, what happens when the damn breaks?Simple, it floods.or:Martin finally sees Jon but Jon doesn't get the conversation he was hoping for.
Series: Fictober 2020 :) [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1949683
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	"I'll do it if I have to (I'll keep it to myself)"

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyyye day 10 of fictober! (Yes, i skipped day 9 shhh) As always let me know if you think anything should be tagged and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Prompt 10: "all I ever wanted"  
> Title song: Not what I meant by dodie

“Martin! Finally, I’ve been looking all over the place for you.” Martin was about to start recording a statement when Jon wandered into his office looking tired but  _ happy _ ? 

“Well, I’ve been busy.” He has been, Peter had had him constantly doing one thing or another. Trying to keep him as busy as possible which also meant he hasn’t spoken to Jon since he got back. He didn’t even know Jon was back until now.

“Yeah, I just- how’ve you been?” He carried on sorting through the statements on his desk to figure out which needed to be done first. At the corner of his eye, he could see Jon coming into the office more and shutting the door behind him.

“Fine.”

“Well, that’s-” Martin put down the statements and looked at Jon. He had work to do so the quicker he got to the point the quicker Jon can leave.

“What do you want, Jon?” He was being blunt and he knew that but it was better this way. Jon looked shocked but his face softened quickly into concern. 

“I just wanted to see you, are you alright?”

“I’m just fine.” 

“Are you sure? You don’t seem fine.” Martin moved away as Jon stepped towards him. This hurt him, it all hurt him.

“Don’t do this, Jon.” 

“Do what?” Jon looked so confused and Martin just couldn’t handle it. He was trying to stay civil, to not say anything but now that they were face to face Martin couldn’t help but feel  _ so much. _

“Pretend nothing happened. Pretend you care.” He couldn’t meet Jon’s eyes anymore and he could feel the creeping chill that follows fog more and more as he tried to hold it in.

“I do care.”

“Do you?”

“Of course-”

“Then why did you leave?” He watched shock wash over Jon’s face. Why did he say that? Why didn’t he just leave, go back to what he was doing. There’s no going back now though, he couldn’t pretend that he hadn't said anything. So he let it out.

“W-what?”

“You left me,  _ alone _ .”

“I-” The problem with being part of the Lonely or even spending some time with an avatar is that everything gets pushed away. All the people you love, the things that brought you joy, the feelings good and bad but what happens when you stop pushing back water, what happens when the damn breaks?

Simple, it floods.

“You want to know something, Jon? All I ever wanted was to be happy. That was it but apparently even that is too much to ask.” Martin felt it all flood back to him. All of the hurt he’d been repressing, all of the grief he’d locked away.

“Martin”

“Don’t. You don’t get to die and disappear then suddenly try to live a happy ever after with me. It’s not fair.” Martin felt a stray tear escape his eye but he managed to keep his resolve. 

“I’m just saying I miss you.”

“And I’m saying you’re too late.”

“But-”

“I saw you in hospital, Jon. I was told that you might not wake up and I mourned, for months I mourned you. You left me alone. You don’t get to say that you miss me.” Jon looked hurt and it didn’t feel good but Martin couldn’t take back his words. Jon wasn’t there when Martin sat in the archives waiting on the phone to ring so he’d know they were safe. He wasn’t there when he got the phone call saying he needed to come to the hospital. He wasn’t there when Martin had to hold a memorial for Tim. He wasn’t there when Martin was left in the archives to grieve.

“Okay, I’m sorry Martin. Just know I am here, you don’t have to be alone anymore.”

  
  
_ Yes, I do, _ Martin thought to himself as he walked away. Already feeling the dam being rebuilt and the numbness settle over him.


End file.
